


I Could Never be a Doctor

by LostInTheWood



Series: A Different Perspective [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Doctors & Physicians, Gen, High School, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Because Of Quarantine, Loneliness, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Politics, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:53:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24163168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInTheWood/pseuds/LostInTheWood
Summary: “I could never be a doctor because I could not do that to my children.”I said that to my mum once. I am not proud of it, but I did, and even though I have grown enough to not say it to her face, I still think it.
Series: A Different Perspective [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1743805
Kudos: 2





	I Could Never be a Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> This work is my attempt at portraying the mindset of a character that I created based on a single quote.  
> It does not necessarily reflect my views.

**Hannah Peters, 17**

* * *

“I could never be a doctor because I could not do that to my children.”

I said that to my mum once. I am not proud of it, but I did, and even though I have grown enough to not say it to her face, I still think it.

Sometimes. (More often than I should)

At some point, I did think that I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people. Make them feel better. The only problem with that is I hate blood, and needles, and people’s insides, and people hurting, and the thought of anything broken and generally having to interact with other people. Probably not the profession for me. Mum says that I could examine x-rays or biopsies, but people would still be sick and hurting, and it would involve people’s insides, so I do not think that will work.

But that is not the reason I do not want to be a doctor. Not really.

It probably started when I was in year 7. I was thoroughly introduced to the idea that there is politics everywhere, not just in parliament. It was quite a shock.

Mum had worked in a department with two other doctors for years. Then one retired, the other one quit, and moved to privet practice, and the one replacement mum could find, went on maternity leave.

Leaving mum alone.

That meant that mum was on call 24/7 for months.

At the same time, she was also doing a master’s degree.

Throughout that time, the hospital made it very hard for mum to get any help at all. All they wanted to do was to save money and from my perspective, saw my mum as entirely expendable.

As a result, there were some weeks where I would not see her for three or four days at a time, even as we lived in the same house. I do not think that I could do that to my children.

It was not just because I wanted to see her, but because I needed her.

High school was not all it’s cracked up to be.

With my love of science, total ignorance of pop culture, strange obsession with Canada, and complete awkwardness, it was not easy fitting in. In fact, I didn’t, not ever.

By the mid-year break, I still hadn’t found a group of friends.

Through all of this, I felt that I really could not go to mum and ask her for help, she was busy enough as it was. But at the same time, I was crying myself to sleep, wondering why I could not be a different person, one that was not strange, that deserved friends, that people might enjoy spending time with.

I didn’t think that I was worth spending time with.

Mum obviously didn’t think so as she was never around. My brother didn’t want to hang out with me either. Dad and I could not stop clashing with each other (probably because he was the only one around long enough for my frustrations to be vented on).

My first few years of high school might have been very different if I had my mum around. I might not have needed to move schools, just to get away from it all.

My mum might have -

Mum might have lived the life she was meant to live.

From my point of view, it was the health care system, and the politics within it, that prevented me from getting the help that I needed from my mum and prevented my mum from enjoying her work, her life and her dreams.

So really, my problem with being a doctor is nothing to do with the needles or blood or insides or hurts or breaks or people. It is because I believe that the health system failed my mum, which made her fail me.

So I could never be a doctor.  
Because I could never work in the health care system.  
Because I could never deal with needing to take the weight of an entire department.  
Because I could never leave my family as mum left me.  
Because I could never let my child believe that they are not worth with, even when I have no time left to give.   
Because I could never do that to my child.


End file.
